I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Congratulations! We have a period
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