also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
