I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
