Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
