We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
