I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
