I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
