I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
