just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
