just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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