I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
