I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
