Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
