I think i peed on brittanys purse
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
