If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
