My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
