mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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