I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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