Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
