wrigley field is MILF paradise
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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