How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My ass is underappreciated
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
