Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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