In the future we'll all be gay
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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