Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
