watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
