Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
