Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
whose parrot is this?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
