My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
