i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
