My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
