I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
