I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
