FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
