If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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