your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just pee around me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
