Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
