we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I could fuck to npr.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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