i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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