woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think a kid would responsible me up
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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