Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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