I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
