I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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