Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
time to smoke my breakfast
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
