What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
