I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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