part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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