Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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