I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
