He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
