White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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